If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
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Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
So sick of all these stupid rules
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
You’ll be OK
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75