I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
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I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.