I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
You Might Also Like
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak