My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
You Might Also Like
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss