Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
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Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
My hips? Compulsive liars.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy