There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
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Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Single and childfree like Jesus
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking