[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
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[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.