Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
You Might Also Like
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.