Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
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Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Oops
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”