[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
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Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”