DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
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[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..