I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
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My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good