Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
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I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
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[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
i think both sides are to blame here