Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
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A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.