[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
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ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.