If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
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The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.