my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
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He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me