Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
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Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.