If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
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didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.