Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
You Might Also Like
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
catch me on valentine’s day like
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?