31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
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CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Yes, but it was never about money
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!