[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?