Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
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Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
why am I working on Labor Day
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science