Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
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Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I never know how much to tip a cow.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
*pokes sex life with a stick
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee