My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
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My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.