I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
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When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Cannot stop laughing at this
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
🤣🤣🤣
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213