A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
You Might Also Like
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Pickled cat.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD