*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
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It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT