In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
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Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
so weird how every mom was born today
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.