I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
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Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Yes my dude
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.