馃檮
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*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour鈥檚 yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 馃槶
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.