Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
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My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.