Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
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Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
uh oh
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid