I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
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There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?