Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
You Might Also Like
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.