Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
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My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?