me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
You Might Also Like
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
thank god the sign was there
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.