If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
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The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked