MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
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Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
my sentiments exactly
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*