For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
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A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Happy Thanksgiving
when dads have a rap battle
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.