i wish we could shoplift online
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Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
boat question
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic