Love this guy
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When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?