One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
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Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.