It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
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Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.