Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
You Might Also Like
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.