I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
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It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’