People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
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She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Happy Caturday!
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from