More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
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i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
#parenting
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.