When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
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I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.