In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
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(Gaming support cat.)
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
⚠️ Important Reminder:
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again